random bits and pieces

out of body

I often have existential moods. The kind where you are physically present, you are conscious of the world; yet, you feel like you're simply watching life rather than being a part of it. For those who know me, you know my life recently has been particularly difficult. I was told that you should never have more than three major changes in any year. I think I passed that number a while ago.

I struggle with being comfortable in my own skin. I wonder if it's something that comes with age, experience, or is simply part of one's intrinsic qualities. I observe others around me who appear comfortable, but then perhaps it's simply that I don't know them well enough to see their insecurities. Since we cannot occupy each other's minds -- we can never know the totality of each other's insecurities. I wonder why I cannot simply be happy with the present. I always yearn for the past. I am scared of the future. It is a mystery, constantly changing, a dark path that cannot be illuminated and only shows itself in time.

I often find myself staring out at large expanses of water. I find it comforting, the waves quietly rising and falling. I love it most when I cannot see land in the horizon. Ironic, that I cannot be on a boat without getting seasick. I realized that I run to the water when I need to clear my thoughts. My friend introduced me to the water one weekend after I had broken up with my boyfriend. I needed to get away from my surroundings, she recognized that. I remember sitting on the beach until it got dark and cold and just watching the waves wash over the shore. I remember how sad I was when I went to Galveston one last time to just watch the waves before I moved to Seattle. I remember when I went to Santa Cruz to just get away from my life, to become anonymous among a gorgeous back drop of cliffs and ocean.

I wonder why at times I crave anonymity, to be out of my body, away from my life. I am not unhappy, but perhaps I just need to get away from me.